Piers Morgan, national treasure, the man we all love to hate. Except I don’t love to hate him, I love to love him. Deeply. He is in many ways a total inspiration to me. Unscrupulous, scurrying ambition, allied with a rubbery face; he is what all men want to be. As a would-be writer, I see the trajectory of Piers’ life as a template of success and happiness. By the age of 28, he was an editor, an editor, of the prestigious and well-respected News of the World. As you may know, that paper is now closed down, and contrary to reports that it was due to phone-hacking, I have it on good authority that it was in actual fact because all the other papers were jealous of the News of the World’s unrivalled political analysis and insight. For example, well known investigative journalistic triumphs such as “My Big Fat Gypsy Divorce at just 19” or “Cheeky Mates Show off Lamps’ Chelsea Buns” left papers such as The Times and The Guardian nursing considerable wounds. Why hadn’t they unearthed these gems? So they conspired to bring the paper down using wizardry, headed by the dark mage Leveson. Alas, I get waylaid; this is an ode to my darling Piers, not The News of the World.
So, why exactly does Piers incite in me such fervent admiration? Why indeed. Well, as has been made clear by his recent stance against gun laws in America, he is fearless. I wish to be fearless like Piers. He’s really making a stand isn’t he? And, to make it more impressive, he is banging a lonesome drum. He has put his head over the parapet and stuck his neck out, but his is the only head above the parapet, the only neck on the line. It’s not like anyone else, or the majority of sane humans, agree with what he is saying, is it? Oh no, he’s like Joan of Arc but a bit more tech-savvy. He is evidently willing to metaphorically burn at the stake of American populism, and he doesn’t care. I admire Piers for his stance. It’s not at all self-serving, not at all a ruse to resuscitate his reputation because his reputation has never been stronger. I think I will absorb some of Piers’ rousing fearlessness and begin to take a stand against unknown issues. ‘No to Murder!’, ‘Rape is really bad!’, ‘Stop stealing things you burglar man!’ are some of the campaigns I will start. Without the spirit of Piers, taking such a jarring stance against American gun laws and alerting us, the public, to the ridiculousness of these gun laws – laws unbeknown to the likes of you and me until Piers flew the flag of less death and stuff – I wouldn’t have the courage to tell my associates that I’m actually really against murder and mild chilli con carne. It should be spicy.
Piers, Piers, Piers. If you ever have the chance to read this, if you ever get the time out of your busy schedule scuttling around America like an elucidating beetle; ever get the chance to stop being so fantastically insidious; then know that I love you. Justin Bieber has his Beliebers but Piers Morgan is the Piered Piper, and I am one of his faithful rats.