Really Interesting and Lovely Things I Saw On a Run

So, in order to be fit and healthy I’ve started doing this thing called running. Basically, you punish yourself for no discernible reason by ambling around, tongue lolling out like a dying, degenerate dog, cheeks as red and rosy as an 70 year old alcoholic, legs spindly like a spiders and straining under the weight, all in the name of health. It’s quite odd and really rather masochistic.

In order to make this slightly more interesting I like to look at things using my eyes whilst I’m doing this alien practice known as exercise. As Birmingham is such an amazingly beautiful and exotic place and London is packed full of greenery and wild animals, I have seen some amazing things running around these two sprawling metropolis’. Truly otherworldly and I don’t think you could envisage the breathtaking beauty of it all.

So, being a community minded individual I’m going to tell you all about the things I’ve seen. This is the first one and I’m starting with a real bang.


Really Interesting and Lovely Things I Saw on a Run Today:

A duck. It was asleep.

ImageThis is exactly what the duck looked like. I thought it was a really unique duck because it had this cool, edgy little green bit on its head but apparently loads of ducks like to have that little bit of green on their heads and it’s a really popular craze sweeping the duck world. They’re also really getting into wholemeal bread and have been known to reject conventional white bread because it’s too ‘mainstream’. Apparently.

Into the Rabbit Hole

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Come with me boys and girls; come with me into the rabbit hole, otherwise known as the WorldWideWeb. Take the plunge and you’ll soon be questioning anything and everything. Let me lead you into the dark depths of humanity. Let us begin.

‘He is beautiful isn’t he? Its not so much the pitch is his cathedral but more like he’s the fucking Pope out there. He is an absolutewarrior and he is our warrior sshould be captain too. Never seen anything like him.’

This succinct little comment about the footballer Luis Suarez really got me interested – really got the juices going. It is very biblical, very heavy with religious language and imagery, which is always nice, and comparing a footballer with the pope is definitely an acceptable thing to do. Furthermore, I really like the vivid image of the pope, decked out in his full attire, trundling around a football pitch being ‘an absolutewarrior’. I’m really glad the author wrote ‘an’ instead of ‘a’. His attention to detail when it comes to the Queen’s English is admirable. But, I can’t help but wonder what the image entails? Using his scepter as a weapon? Using his huge hat to get a distinct advantage in the air? Who knows, but all I know is that the author ‘Murdell’ from the definitely not deluded ‘redandwhitekop’ is clearly a literary genius.

‘Every single Muslim in this country is playing a ‘breeding/waiting game’ Let me tell you all: When the bubble breaks, blood will ‘Gush’ through the gutters! Shame on the social engineers, AKA Western Governments.’

Ah. I’m sure you were all wondering when the borderline racist, definitely bigoted comment would be rearing its glorious and white hooded head. And here it is! Well, where to begin? The use of ‘breeding’ is very clever because it conjures up images of cattle or small mammals; therefore, all Muslims are animals. I can’t argue with that logic; can you? Also, what is not clear to me, and I suspect the author has deliberately left it unsaid, is why the blood will be gushing. Will the Muslims start a bloody uprising? Perhaps. Will there be a civil war? This is definitely implied. Or maybe, just maybe, the author of this comment is a tin-foil hat wearing, paranoid twat who thinks every shadow is a foreigner trying to steal his job, wife, daughter, stamp collection and stockpile of shoe laces. This was on The Telegraph website after all, so what else do you expect?

Continuing on with the threat of Britain no longer being about British I present this sexy little number:

‘if Africa is allowed to deteriorate then Africa will come here. Intervention in Sierra Leone was a great success’

Now, this is a very puzzling comment. By saying ‘Africa will come here’ what exactly does ‘ZowieBowie’ (you guessed it, from The Telegraph) mean? Are they implying that Africa will join forces to make an almighty African army and invade and colonize Britain (revenge is a dish best served cold after all)? This wouldn’t really make all that much sense as Britain is significantly smaller than Africa so would be a bit of a waste of time. Maybe, what they mean is that all the Africans are going to sail over to Britain in the dead of night on hastily made crafts produced in the depths of Mount Doom, don some clever disguises like clothes and shit, and then integrate themselves into British society (the horror!). Or, and this is the most frightening implication of all, the spectral threat of continental drift. I think we really need to prepare for the moment when the entirety of Africa floats over to Britain to cause a colossal collision thus killing everyone. Everyone. It’s a real possibility people, so make sure your bunkers are ready.

‘My soul detached from my body and my heart filled up like a balloon and I flew on to unknown places, while listening to this song. Thank you so much. This music is beautiful’

This person is quite clearly a cunt.